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LIFE MATTERS / Parenting
What your Child is Trying to Tell You
Children often communicate through behaviour before words. Discover what may be beneath the surface, and how to respond with connection, guidance and the kind of help that supports your child’s growth.
04 OCT 2026
I
ROLAND KOH
When your Child’s Behaviour pushes every button
Your child is refusing to get ready again.
Perhaps they are crying over something that seems small. They are arguing, shutting down, throwing something, or saying, “I don’t want to go to school,” but cannot explain why.
You have already asked nicely. You may have repeated yourself several times. You may be running late, tired from work, or trying to manage another child at the same time.
Then something in you snaps. You raise your voice. Your child becomes more upset. Or they go quiet in a way that leaves you wondering whether you have made things worse.
It can be a painful place for a parent to be. You want your child to listen. You want the morning to move. You want to know that they will be okay. But instead, you may feel frustrated, helpless or worried that you are getting parenting wrong.
You are not only responding to your child’s behaviour. You may also be carrying your own tiredness, expectations and fear. This is why it can help to slow down before responding—even briefly—and ask a different question.
Not merely, “How do I stop this?”
But, “What might my child be finding hard right now?”
In this article
When your child’s behaviour pushes every button
Behaviour gives us information, not always the full explanation
The same behaviour can mean different things
The right support helps a child grow
When it may help to look more closely
Related Readings
Behaviour gives us information, not always the full explanation
A child who is angry may be disappointed, overwhelmed, embarrassed or simply tired. A child who refuses may be anxious, struggling with a task, finding a transition difficult, or testing whether a limit will hold.
Sometimes, the reason is straightforward. Other times, it takes patience to understand.
Psychologists use the term parental reflective functioning to describe a parent’s ability to wonder about the thoughts, feelings and intentions that may sit beneath a child’s behaviour. It is not about guessing perfectly. It is about resisting the urge to decide too quickly what the behaviour means.
Before you respond, try looking beneath the moment. Pause and ask yourself:
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What happened just before this?
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What may my child be experiencing in this moment?
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Is there something they cannot yet do, regulate or put into words?
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What do they need from me now: comfort, guidance, a boundary, or a chance to try?
This is not an invitation to excuse every behaviour. Hitting, shouting, lying or refusing every request still needs a response. But correction is often more helpful when it comes after we have taken a moment to understand the situation.
For instance, a child may need to hear a clear boundary that also recognises what may be happening beneath the behaviour:
“I will not let you hit your brother. I can see you are very upset. I need you to take a time-out now and stay apart from him first. When you are calmer, we can talk about what happened.”
Clear boundaries still matter. At the same time, the behaviour we see is often only the visible tip of a child’s iceberg. Beneath it may be feelings, fears, needs or experiences they do not yet have the words to express.
Looking beneath the behaviour does not mean allowing it. It helps us respond in a way that both guides the child and supports their growth.
The same behaviour can mean different things
It is tempting to look for one parenting approach that will work every time.
But children are different.
Two children may both say, “I don’t want to go to school.”
One may be anxious about separating from a parent. Another may be struggling with friendships. A third may be avoiding a task that feels difficult—but is still capable of facing it with some encouragement.
The same tantrum can mean different things for different children. It can even mean different things for the same child on different days. Early childhood educators do not begin with one fixed response. They consider the child’s stage of development, individual characteristics and the context around the behaviour. Parents can use a similar approach at home.
Consider your child’s skills
Can your child do what you are asking independently yet?
A younger child may not have the language to explain why they are upset. Another child may know what to do, but need help breaking a difficult task into smaller steps.
Sometimes, what looks like defiance may be a child feeling stuck or unsure where to begin.
Consider your child’s temperament and regulation
Some children warm up slowly to new people or places. Some feel disappointment very intensely. Others may need time to recover after school, more prompting about what is happening next, or a quieter space when they are overwhelmed.
This does not mean there is something wrong with them. Temperament is part of how a child experiences the world. Understanding your child’s temperament can help you become more realistic about what they may need—and more patient about how they learn.
Consider the situation around the behaviour
A child who is usually cheerful may become tearful after a poor night’s sleep. A child who normally manages homework may begin refusing when schoolwork becomes more demanding. A child who is often cooperative may struggle after a family change or a difficult friendship experience.
You do not need to uncover one perfect explanation. Think of this as forming a working understanding: “Could this be what my child is finding hard?”
Then observe, respond, and remain open to learning more.
The Right kind of Support helps a Child Grow
Once we have a better sense of what may be happening, the next question is not simply,
“How can I make this stop?”
It is:
“What kind of help will support my child to grow through this?”
Sometimes, a child needs more of you. At other times, they need you to step back a little.
The challenge is learning the difference.
When your Child Needs Help to Settle
A child who is overwhelmed may not be ready to listen, explain or solve a problem. They may first need your calm presence. You might sit nearby, lower your voice, offer a drink of water, or help them name what is happening:
“I can see you are very disappointed that playtime is over. It is hard to stop when you are having fun. Let’s calm down together. Playtime is still finished, and I will stay with you while you put the toys away.”
The aim is not simply to make your child stop crying or comply quickly. It is to help them experience disappointment without being left alone in it. You remain calm and close while the limit holds. Over time, your child can learn ways to regulate themselves. But many children learn this first through being calmly supported by an adult.
The goal is not for your child to need you forever. It is to give them enough safety and practice to gradually develop their own ways of settling.
When your Child Needs a Chance to Try
Sometimes, a parent’s instinct is to step in quickly: tie the shoelace, finish the homework, speak for the child, solve the friendship problem. There are moments when children genuinely need this help. But if we take over too often, they may have fewer opportunities to discover, “I can try. I can cope. I can work something out.”
A more helpful response may be:
“This is hard. I am here with you. What is one part you can try first?”
You can offer one clue instead of the whole answer. You can stay nearby without completing the task for them. Educators sometimes call this scaffolding: offering enough support for a child to manage the next step, without removing the challenge entirely.
When your Child Needs to Wait or Hear "No"
Not every upset child needs the answer to change.
Children also need to learn that they can survive disappointment, wait for something they want, stop an enjoyable activity, and hear no without falling apart.This is not about being harsh. It is about offering a warm and steady boundary: “I know you still want to watch another TV show. It is hard to stop when you are enjoying it. The answer is still no tonight.”
Your child may protest. They may not be happy with the limit. But when you stay calm and consistent, you are helping them learn that difficult feelings can be felt without needing to control everyone around them.
When your Child Needs Help to Solve a Problem
For older children especially, some struggles are an invitation to develop problem-solving skills. Instead of immediately offering the solution, you might ask:
“What have you tried already?”
“What are two possible ways you could handle this?”
“Would you like help thinking through it, or would you like some time first?”
This helps your child move from “Someone must fix this for me” towards
“I can think, choose and ask for help when I need it.”
The right kind of support is not always more support. It is the support that helps your child take the next manageable step.
Connection is Not the Same as Giving In
Some parents worry that listening to feelings will make their child demanding or less respectful. But connection is not about removing every disappointment or negotiating every boundary. It is about helping your child feel that you are trying to understand their experience, even when the answer remains no.
You can be compassionate and firm at the same time. You can say:
“I know you are angry. I will still not allow you to throw things.”
“I see you are worried about tomorrow. We can talk about it. You still need to get ready for bed.”
“I believe you can try this. I will help you begin, but I will not do it all for you.”
This is not about finding the one correct response. Parenting often involves learning to offer the right kind of help for this child, at this stage, in this moment.
Try this
1
Pause and identify the parenting task
The next time your child is upset, ask yourself:
“Do they need help to calm down, help to try, help to wait, or help to solve the problems they are struggling with?”
You may not know immediately. But this question can help you move from reacting to choosing your response.
2
Offer support without taking over
Choose one situation this week where you usually step in quickly.
Instead of fixing it, offer one smaller form of help:
“I will stay with you while you try.”
“Let’s do the first step together.”
“What do you think you could do next?”
Notice what your child can manage when you remain nearby but do not take over.
3
Review one repeated struggle
At the end of the week, think about one behaviour that keeps returning.
Reflect by observing and asking yourself:
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When does it happen most often?
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What seems to make it harder?
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What response helps my child settle or try again?
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Where might I be helping too much—or expecting too much too soon?
Small observations can help you respond more intentionally over time.
When it may help to look more closely
Speaking with your child’s teacher or another caregiver can also help you understand whether the behaviour appears across different settings. This does not mean labelling your child or assuming the worst. It is a way of understanding the wider picture early.
If you remain concerned, consider speaking with your child’s GP, polyclinic doctor or paediatrician. They can help you decide whether a further assessment may be useful.
Depending on what you are noticing, support may come from a child psychologist, occupational therapist or developmental paediatrician.
A child psychologist may help with emotional or behavioural concerns. An occupational therapist may be helpful when sensory experiences, daily routines or self-regulation seem difficult. A developmental paediatrician can assess broader developmental, learning or behavioural concerns.
KKH’s Department of Child Development provides assessment and intervention services for children with developmental, learning and behavioural difficulties. For a new appointment, contact KKH Central Appointments at 6294 4050 or centralappt@kkh.com.sg.
If you would value another perspective, counselling can offer a private space to better understand what may be happening and consider how to respond. At Grace Oasis, we offer parent consultations and, where appropriate, counselling for children aged four and above using developmentally appropriate, play-based approaches.
Source & further readings
These resources offer further information on children’s development, temperament, emotional regulation and supportive parenting responses.
Slade, A. (2005). Parental reflective functioning: An introduction. Attachment & Human Development, 7(3), 269–281.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16210239/
National Association for the Education of Young Children. (2020). Developmentally appropriate practice: A position statement of the National Association for the Education of Young Children.
https://www.naeyc.org/resources/position-statements/dap/principles
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2014). Enhancing and practicing executive function skills with children from infancy to adolescence.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/handouts-tools/activities-guide-enhancing-and-practicing-executive-function-skills/
American Academy of Pediatrics. (n.d.). Understanding your child’s temperament: Why it’s important.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/How-to-Understand-Your-Childs-Temperament.aspx
Health Promotion Board. (n.d.). My child/teen: Managing emotions.
https://www.healthhub.sg/programmes/mindsg/caring-for-others/my-child-teen-managing-emotions
KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital. (n.d.). Child Development.
https://www.kkh.com.sg/our-specialties/child-development
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